Are Danes the World's Happiest People? And other Scandinavian Stereotypes

Having now traveled to each of the Nordic countries, I wanted to respond with my new found knowledge to some common stereotypes/questions about the area.

Scandinavian women are empowered.
True: A lamentably told joke I heard from a Dane was that women would leave their man the first time he left the toilet seat up.
High salaries across the board (a cashier in a department store can take home $4,000, waitresses make $20 an hour + tips) coupled with a progressive tax system flattening out the income curve, means that women do not need a dual income household to survive.
Scandinavian women have the choice of the types of behavior they are willing to put up with from their mates, whereas females in poorer countries with not only less opportunities, but where they get paid far less for the same work, are much more dependent.
I'd conjecture that marriages which last here are likely more healthy than in less economically advantaged countries.

Scandinavia is super expensive. 

Norway, nature-wise, is so utterly stunning

True: Norway is the most expensive country in the world, and the rest of the Nordic countries are not far behind. Heavy consumption taxes (VAT) combined with onerous regulations on businesses only fuel the fire. Despite this, Scandinavia has about the highest standard of living on earth, and if your wallet can take the beating, I'd highly recommend visiting.  (especially Norway and Sweden)


Finland is a Scandinavian country.
False. Actually, neither Finland or Iceland are considered part of Scandinavia.
Finns look much more closely related to Russians than they do Swedes, and the language has few similarities with other Nordic countries.
While Icelandic people are far closer in appearance and language, my guess is that the other Scandinavian countries wanted to disassociate themselves from the vast amounts of incest which takes place there (everyone is related to one another.) That said, I doubt my explanation would hold up in court. ... Both Iceland and Finland are considered part of the Nordic region.

I hear the languages are all very similar.
Semi-False: As noted above, the Finnish language is quite different. Norwegians speak in a quite pleasant sing-songy cadence which leaves Swedes, who speak more neutrally, at a loss understanding them, while the Danish sounds like two old cats fighting while they spit up hairballs.
A hearty congratulations to the people of Denmark, as the Danish language has fought off worthy competitors in Chinese, Dutch, Arabic, and German, to retain its crown as the world's ugliest sounding language. (Travel tip: bring some headphones)
 
Poll after poll rates Denmark the "happiest" nation on earth.
(clearing throat ...) FALSE: And Danes would agree. The Danish people actively avoid eye contact, and are wary of outsiders, though people in their early 20's are more open,
Now, if you were to describe Danes as the most "content" people on earth, I'd be willing to listen.
There is less jealousy as incomes are not only high but fairly equal, and the state provides for those in need (healthcare, pensions, unemployment insurance, etc.) People in Denmark have what they need, there is no lack, and there is little class differentiation, and even if there are visible differences, acting as though you're better than others will earn you much social scorn.
This is actually becoming a problem in schools, as the smart kids pretend to be slow on the uptake, an effort to avoid the ire of their dumber classmates. "Don't stick out" is a learned behavior not only in Denmark, but most of Scandinavia.
The places where I have found the happiest, people, where you can immediately feel it in upon coming in contact with people, are tropical islands like Fiji and Bali. 

French girlfriend of my Danish friend David on his 23rd birthday- nice people

I hear Scandinavian women are both hot and sexually liberated. 

glasses works at the Stockholm airport. The airport! 
In a TSA job! And her friend- zowie!

Both true: I would have to say Sweden has the best looking women in the world (read more about Swedish looks) If you like tall, blonde women who are take care of themselves physically, as a majority of men do, you'll have be in heaven. The rest of the Nordic countries don't quite match Sweden (as they drink more/ smoke more, etc.) but it's hard to go wrong in the Nordics.
And yes, partly a function of their economic independence, women here are definitely sexually liberated.
You want more details? Sorry, I'm not one to kiss and tell.

Helsinki, Finland- Get a Flavor and Feel of the Capital

wild geese crossing a path in Helsinki

The majority of Finland's population resides in but a few cities, the rest of the country predominately wilderness, the blurry boundary beginning where I am staying, six km outside Helsinki's center.

A palette of lush greens make up the summer color scheme, as I walk to the main road, the artery leading to the heart of the city. The hoot of an owl reveals the presence of small rabbits hidden in the grasses around me as they hop away.
At 10 PM in late June, there's as much light in the sky as at noon, our owl friend likely finding it frustrating and confusing.

The lush greenery around Helsinki

I board a bus, five Euros for the ride.
As the city center grows closer, I'm a little taken aback by the architecture; buildings of grey and brown, with minimal upkeep, they feel worn and unappealing. It's not quite Soviet-Communist ugly, but it's not terribly far ahead. Helsinki will never make any "most beautiful list."

Finland has two national pastimes, hockey and drinking with clubs facilitating demand, staying open til 4 AM Thursday to Saturday.
Outside of myself and the ubiquitous blackjack dealer there to augment the club's income, everyone staggeringly drunk.

Despite the high taxes on cigarettes, a large percentage of patrons lurch into and out of the designated smoking room, leaving their beers and cocktails behind at the cubbyhole bookcase at its entrance, ownership not trusting its sloshed patrons to perform two vices at once. 

cubby-hole for drinks outside the smokers room

"I'm going to take you to a gay bar. I'm going to take you to a gay bar," the lyrics echo over and over, the girl I'm dancing with notices the confused look on my face.

"They're talking about Sweden," she yells in my ear, barely audible over the music, "And how the men there are gay because they're so fastidious about their appearance compared to us."

I look around the club, the heavy drinking showing on the Finnish faces, their bodies more rotund as a result. Actually, Finnish people look genetically more closely related to Russians than Swedes anyway.

while there are some pretty people in Finland, a lot of the guys look like this. I'm not complaining

One thing Finland has in common with Scandinavian countries are high prices, taxes, and an overly generous welfare system. In recent years there's been an influx of immigrants from the Middle East and former Eastern bloc nations, and while the percentage might be small, some come to take advantage of the welfare benefits without any contribution, creating a backlash that's rippled through the country's natives and sadly contributed to the reactionary forces of the society growing in popularity.

two things- notice the long braided beard, generally associated with heavy metal. There were a surprisingly high number of these in the city. Also, the weather- very cold and grey.

Maybe it's the weather- cold, rainy, grey, maybe it's that Finns aren't the most open people, or both in combination with the high prices, but I find little in Helsinki which makes me want to extend my stay. I pack my bags, ready to move on to Denmark.

Discussion question:

1) Under the cover of 24 hour a day darkness during the Finnish winter, owls deafen the population with incessant hooting. Explain.  

Hot Comedy Show in a Finnish Sauna- Birch Branches

Even at the height of summer, the weather in Finland equates to a dreary wintry day in Los Angeles. "Anything to warm up," is the unspoken Finnish motto, explaining my host's description of a visit to the local sauna as "a highlight of Helsinki."
Being a Yes Man who accepts of 95% of all suggestions, and having earlier declined a drunk teenager's dare to play chicken with an oncoming train, I was statistically cornered.
Like all else in Nordic countries, saunas here aren't cheap--
Entrance: 12 Euro for that privilege alone.
But where they really make bank are the up-sells that add a uniqueness to the experience, and here I am referring to the 6 euros they charge for frozen, plastic wrapped branches of birch.

"What do I do with the birch branch?"
"Well first you remove the plastic wrapping," explains the owner.
"Sounds intriguing," I remark.
"Then you thaw the branch in a bucket of warm water."
"Excellent plan."
"Then you head into the sauna, and you hit yourself with the branch."
"And this custom is a by-product of the Finnish predilection for high alcohol consumption ?"
Ignoring my pointed question, "You keep hitting yourself. You hit yourself hard and it feels so good."
"And are there any other benefits?" I remark, as I carefully root through the freezer, picking my branch in the same loving manner an executioner might choose his axe.
"Oh God yes," she excitedly explains, "It makes your blood circulate, and it makes you smell so good afterwards. It's amazing."
"A remarkable sales pitch," I remark as I reach for the Euros necessary to participate in this sado-masochist ritual.

I enter the sauna with my now thawed birch, sit, and begin hitting myself with the branch.
If it sounds remarkably stupid, that's because it is.
First of all, I exercise a ton to maintain good blood circulation, secondly, under normal circumstances I'd consider being hit with a branch abuse rather than pleasure. Plus, it hurts.
But there's a story here ...

Now, I don't open my mouth so there is little reason for others to believe I am anything but a local Finn. No one really pays any heed to the normal everyday, run in the mill branch whacker ... the exception being a Chinese tourist, who is doing his best to keep a poker face regarding his surprise about this insane practice.
THWHACK. I smack myself and watch his face register a bemused look on it.
THWHACK- the slight grin amplifies.
THWHACK- it grows again.
Now, honestly, the hit stung, but the echo of the TWHACK reverberating through the chamber nearly makes our Chinese customer lose it. He rises and exits the sauna, barely able to stifle a laugh, which is audibly released as the sauna door shuts behind him. I chuckle to myself and put down the branch, having zero interest in continuing this masochistic practice.
But lo and behold, minutes later, refreshed from a cool shower, our Chinese friend re-enters. Instantly, I pick-up my branch and start repeatedly hitting myself. THWACK, THWACK, THWACK, THWACK ... he's walking back to his seat, but now he's totally losing it, laughing out loud, hard.
The harder I continue to hit myself, the harder our Chinese man laughs, until the Finns inside realize what's going on and my chorus of laughter grows. Me, hot, and likely covered in welts, rises up, walks down the sauna's stadium like stairs, stands in the center of the room, takes a small bow, and exits.
I might have got ripped off of my 18 Euros, but everyone else in the sauna got their money's worth. Be sure to tip your waitresses.

selfie with the tool of comedy afterwards