Escape From The Middle East

Palestine Mensa Group- application: 

Rich is currently in Jerusalem. He should be at the airport in Amman, Jordan, no later than 2 PM to check in for an international flight to Bangkok. It takes 40 minutes to get to the Israeli/Jordanian border from either city. At what time should Rich leave to insure he makes it there on time?

A)         Leaving at 11 AM gives you an hour forty minutes to cross the border, that should be plenty.

B)         7 AM??

C)         Haha! What a joke, this is the Middle East. You need to leave the previous afternoon.

D)         Sometime before the 1967 Israeli/Arab war

E)         Around the time of Christ

This is actually a test question on the membership form for Mensa of Palestine, and those answering A, B, or C are believed to have demonstrated sufficiently low levels of intelligence  to be referred directly to Islamic Jihad: Suicide Bomber Division (more popularly known as “72 Virgins in Paradise for Idiots.”) 
The correct answer is: What the hell are you doing trying to cross a border in the Middle East in the first place??

At Needle Point Church- picture of Jesus carrying his own cross. "So, what would happen if I didn't help carry my cross?" ...  "We're not carrying it for you."
"Well okay then."

Having already developed a bad taste for Middle East border crossings, I traveled back in time, to before I arrived in the region, and cancelled my trip entirely. Unfortunately, my Mom wouldn't let me, (“Richard, no, you’ll hurt yourself!”) leaving me a departure time from Jerusalem of 7 AM, correctly anticipating “delays,”  by which I mean- not being allowed to cross the border.

Let’s join Rich and on his misadventure out of the Middle East. Imagine the movie “typing sound’ of each time stamp as we get set for this blockbuster spy-thriller.

6:30 AM—Our hero wakes with a jolt. Realizing that while less than 2 hours away from the airport, and with 9 hours til his plane leaves, our hero still has to cross a Middle Eastern border!

6:31 AM- Using a meditative breathing technique he learned from Buddhist Monks in Tibet, our hero manages to re-center himself.

6:38 AM- Picks the locks on the hostel doors, barely leaping to avoid the three snarling pit-bulls chasing him. Greeted outside by a rising sun.  

7:00 AM- Walks through the gates of Old Town Jerusalem, glances nervously at his watch, then relaxes, after realizing he doesn’t own one.

7:18 AM- Stops for a juice. Nearly makes the mistake of ordering pomegranate, before remembering he’ll likely have to spend another month in this Hades for each seed he eats. 

7:19 AM- Downs his orange juice.

7:45 AM- Locates shared van ride to border. Bus is full. Driver tells him to take next one. Hero tells him he has less than 8 hours to cross the border. Driver immediately tells other tourists to make room, or he’s “kicking the fat one off. “

7:55 AM- Van leaves building, immediately gets stalled in traffic.

8:20 AM- Bus hit by roadside bomb. Hero performs mouth to mouth on all passengers, except for the obese Canadian, who dies just as the ambulance gets there. Other Canadians thank hero for saving their future health-care tax dollars.

9:20 AM- Hero hitches ride from the obligatory hot passing Israeli female commando, finally arrives at the to King Hussein border crossing.

9:30 AM- Piles of paperwork, including $40 exit fee.

9:35 AM- Exit interview by Israeli Commando. Hero does all he can not to give away that he is a top covert CIA agent who's assignment is to overthrow the Israeli regime, which exit officer suggests several times trying to trip-up Hero. 

9:55 AM- Hero breathes a sigh of relief. Believes he has enough time to make it to the Amman Airport, even if kidnapped by Al Qaeda on the other side. Takes a victory lap around the building to stretch his legs.

10:20 AM-- Approaches very surly, old woman, Israeli border agent. Hands her his passport. After looking through it she states, "You cannot cross." Then smiles her first smile in ... the last decade?

10:21 AM-- Argument continues. 

Hero: "What, first you don't want me in your country, now you won't let me leave?!!" 

Surly old Agent: "We don't care if you leave, (so long as pay us the $40 exit fee) it is the Jordanians who won't let you pass, as you do not have a Jordanian Visa."

Hero: "Yes I do, I got one entering Jordan from Syria."

Surly Old Agent: "You have been to Syria? Who let you into our country!"  (flops on floor, having a heart attack)

Hero: "Doctor! is there a doctor in the house, because i need a second opinion on this visa situation!"

10:25 AM-- Surly Old Agent dies. Ten Uzis are pointed at our hero. "Can someone call me a cab?"

11:00 AM-- The helpful, and ever friendly Israelis, refuse to let Hero use their computer so he can check his flight status. Hero childishly slams hat he is wearing to the ground. Special cab arrives. Hero tells border guard that next time he is in Israel he will set-up a stand outside a Jewish Synagogue where he will give away, “Free Pork,” the dichotomy of which will likely make Jewish heads explode.

11:01 AM-- Dodges Uzi bullets, leaps into cab and yells, “GO!!”

1,000 + year old olive trees

11:05 AM-- There are three border crossings between Israel and Jordan. It turns out that the only one you from which you cannot cross into Jordan without a super duper official visa (not the one hero has) is the Jerusalem crossing, which makes a lot of sense, considering it is the one most used. Welcome to the Middle East. The Northern border is 2 hours away, and from there another 2 and a half hours back to Amman. Hero asks nice cab driver who is only charging him $175 for the first part of the trip if he thinks he has a chance at making his plane. Hero cannot help but be encouraged by response which is, 'Not a chance." 

11:06 AM-- "Step on the gas please." 

12:10 PM-- A little more than half way there, in an effort to help him along, the Israeli Army stops hero's cab to search it. Hero points out to them that he is an American, and is on his way OUT of Israel. This logic only delays the process. Cab driver can't help but laugh. 

12:25 PM-- Hero passes search. Israeli commandos exchange warm waves with bandana clad, AK-47 waving Arabs driving a pick-up truck some with wires coming out of their clothing. Hero is pretty sure this was a set-up, and the Israelis were mocking him. Hero momentarily considers stating, "I'm with them," then thinks better of it. 

1:03 PM-- Due to the advent of flight for cars, hero makes it to the border. Fills out paperwork, pays exit fee, sprints to Jordanian side where he has to wait, for a bus; to come back; which has just left. It would be much faster to walk, but if he does, he'll be shot.

1:08 PM-- Pays $5 bus fee. 

1:09 PM-- 70 meters later the bus comes to a halt and dumps everybody off. Hero slips on slick floor, trying to get to counter first. 

1:15 PM-- Jordanians stamp his passport. Hero gives a "saluti a tutti" to the Israeli side, otherwise known as "the bird."

Don't believe the sign

1:19 PM-- Hero pays another $80 to be driven to the Amman Airport. Has cabbie stop at world famous Jordanian Money Tree.

1:22 PM-- Promises cabbie big tip if he can halve a two hour + ride. 

1:25 PM-- Cabbie starts driving like Mario Andretti. The ride from the Northern border to Amman is largely mountainous, and throwing caution to the wind might be very scary if you could hear the bald tires screeching around hair pin turns, but you can't since we're traveling faster than speed of sound.

1:45 PM-- Hero notes Andretti is a fantastic driver. Car nearly veers off a cliff. Hero indifferent, as he plans to kill himself if he has to spend another night in the Middle East anyways. 

2:12 PM-- Mario Andretti expertly passes car after car, roadblock after roadblock. Hero tries not to get hopes up. 

2:38 PM-- Cabbie arrives at airport!! Hero gives him every single last Jordanian Dinar he has (about $16 worth) Cabbie very much deserves tip, hero promises him he will get him a NASCAR deal back in the US.


2:39 PM-- Hero realizes he has been dropped off at the wrong terminal. Sprints to other side of airport. 


2:45 PM-- Helpful Jordanian staff do all they can to get him on his airplane, even opening up a new line specifically for him! If you are friendly with Arabs and treat them with respect, they really try to do more for you than any other culture hero has seen. 


2:55 PM-- Hero races to gate, boards his planes moments before they are to close the gate, collapses in heap on floor, grateful to have Escaped from the Middle East!! 


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Israel: The "Ultimate Solution"

We're back at Heaven’s Theater where God is getting consulting advice from world famous explorer, Rich Birecki. We join them live as they continue their conversation about Israel.

God: So you made it to Jerusalem.

Rich: Where the first cab driver I met promptly charged me ten dollars to drive me two blocks, dropping me off at what he assured me was a cheap hotel, which in fairness to him, was only $500 a night.  I ended up walking around for a couple hours before I found something in my price range.

God: So, what did you like best about Jerusalem?

Rich: The sense of history that is there. You just automatically have a feeling that a lot of interesting events have transpired there over the years.

ancient olive trees

God: Like what?

Rich: What am I, a historian?  

God: What did you like least about Jerusalem?

Rich: Orthodox Jews—

God: Hitler!

Rich: God. Take a breather, slow down,  let me explain.

God: We're all waiting.

Rich: Look, I love Jewish people, like I love Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, … maybe not Satanists, but you get the idea. What I don’t like are religious nuts.

God: They always pray for such “interesting” things.

Rich: Like harm to “non-believers.”  

God: That’s one of them.

Rich: Look, in any religion, the 1% die hard, “true-believers” create 99% of the havoc, and 99% of the Jewish 1% are concentrated in Jerusalem and Israeli settlements.

God: People have freedom to choose in what way they devote themselves to me.

Rich: Agreed, but not according to the right wing of any religion. You worship as they worship or else you are damned, beneath being spoken to, or an infidel worthy of only death. These people speak of God every other word, but have never experienced. They spend so much time pounding the pulpit, posturing, trying to convince others, and by extension themselves, that their ultra-rigid belief systems and traditions are the only way to God, that they lose sight of what they are truly seeking.

God: And what are they seeking?

Rich: What is all around them. The energy that they were born from, that they are now, that will be here long after “they” are gone.

God: The energy?

Rich: Yes, that which people call you by name, often misguidedly thinking of a man on a cloud with a long white beard.

God: You can describe that which I am?

Rich: In words? … I’ll do my best … there are times the mind lets go of incessant thought; in moments of great inspiration, when in the presence of profound beauty, or witnessing immense power in nature, when feeling unbridled love, or a moment of opening in meditation, there are so many ways; and in these moments you realize God- as a divine joy and love that burns so fiercely in every cell of the body, thinking becomes pointless, and everything just seems brighter. Most people have experienced this at some point, but haven’t known what to call it. Presence, God, divinity, pure love are all apt.

God: And you experienced this in Jerasulem?

Rich: You can experience it everywhere; Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, Jerusalem, the slums of Mumbai, India where there are streams of sewage flowing in and out of twenty foot high piles of trash people live in. It makes no difference where you are, all land is "holy." Even land in the middle of the desert.

God: You do know that people of the Jewish faith have been persecuted over the years, not allowed to practice their religion, and that the ancestors of these people came from the land now called Israel, and that Israel was the one place where they believed they would be free to worship freely?

Rich: Of course. And Israel exists today. That’s a fact. Everyone clamoring for its destruction based on historical precedent might as well shut-up, cause the majority of humans alive today have never known a world without Israel. The statute of limitations is up. Conversely, there are people arguing that those practicing the Jewish faith have an inherent right to “all their former lands” because they were there first, thousands of years ago. You think the city of New York  is going to up and move because the descendants of Indians start yelling, “You killed our people, stole our land, and we were there first!” Its true, but it isn't going to and shouldn't happen.  

God: And what of Biblical prophecies?

Rich: Look, I don't want to get into the specifics of any Holy Scriptures, because "believers" hold onto the "word of God" like they are clinging to the edge of a cliff over a 500 foot drop. Most would be willing to kill you before letting go; some sick form of egoic self preservation. What's undeniable, is that history shows us numerous examples of clashing interpretations over the same words these books contain, and various "Messianic" leaders who have twisted these words to manipulate lesser minds for their power and financial gain. How many millions and millions of people have been slaughtered over the Centuries in the name of "God?" ... So to answer your question, when right-wing Jews use passages from scripture to assert their right over a piece of land, to put it euphemistically, I'm dubious.  

God: Not all Jewish people are right-wing.

Rich: Of course, and by discussing religion in this light, in the context of Israel, I think that most Israelis are getting raw deal here. I don't think the right-wing Hasidic and Ultra-Orthodox people of Jerusalem represent the average Israeli. Unfortunately, they were the majority of people I ran into while in the city.

God: Okay, that stated, what did you observe that left you so aghast?

Rich: Well, I arrived in Jerusalem during a religious holiday. After checking into my hotel, I went out onto the streets and observed a very festive atmosphere. Music was playing, men were dancing atop cars, men were dancing in a circle passing a Torah around ... Wait a second, where are the women? Was I witnessing a Jewish gay pride parade? It turns out that under orthodox law, men and women aren't allowed to dance together. I was attending the ultimate sausage fest.

God: Surely there is a reason ... isn't there?

Rich: If the opposite sexes were to touch there would be a transference of impurity. It's good that I can explain this to you God.

God: Are you sure that's correct? It doesn't make much sense to me.

Rich: It's the jist of what I was explained. Now look, I'm going to go on a little rant here so try not interrupt. Orthodox Jews have a prescribed manner of dress--

God: But that's--

Rich: God, I said don't interrupt! ... (shaking head) Orthodox Jews have a prescribed manner of dress- black hats and black garb. This is out of “modesty,” to show ones reverence towards God. They also have long beards and pigtails dangling down by their ears (also called forelocks) which are there because the Torah instructs not to shave the “corners of the head.” Now, my experience was as follows: these people made very little eye contact and kept their heads averted from me. I tried to speak with a couple of them, and I felt like I was being frowned upon despite them barely uttering a word. I could understand in a place like Miami, a practicing Orthodox Jew might keep to himself, because there are a lot of idiots who would hassle them for being different, but this doesn’t hold true for Old Town Jerusalem where they rule the streets, I felt like I was a minority dressing in my American garb. The overall feeling that I got was that this was an insular group of people, wishing to exclude those who are different. I just didn't feel welcome there.

God: What about the fox and sable hats?

Rich: Don't get me started on those donut shaped fur hats they wrap around their head like some gigantic NBA headband. They are made out of fox fur or sable and cost $5,000. I was told that they are generally worn to show their ultra-conservative political leanings more than anything. Is there any bigger way to demonstrate your desire for separation than to sink five thousand into a headband? My Jewish friend refused to spend the overpriced $2 it would cost to call me while we were traveling in Prague together, creating the loss of an entire afternoon for both of us, I couldn't imagine trying to sell him a hat for 5k. Interestingly enough, there is a movement in Israel seeking to ban the sale of all fur products that is being opposed, by you guessed it, the ultra-Orthodox community, who believe it is their religious right to worship as they want, even if it means violating the forward thinking Jewish religious law that strictly forbids cruelty to or unnecessary suffering of animals. So is it really about Religion, or your ability to maintain your rigid Orthodox identity by wearing a hat that costs $5,000? This is a perfect example of people using scripture as it suits them, and re-interpreting or denying parts that might not.

Here you can see the fox/sable hats costing 5k by the Western Wall

God: How did the Ultra Orthodox react to Osama Bin Laden's death?

Rich: In all likelihood, like most of the world, with one notable exception. They edited Hilary. Below you'll see the famous photograph of the Obama administration awaiting news on the risky operation the President ordered to take out Osama in Pakistan, and then below that you'll see the edit done by a Hasidic Newspaper.  

Hillary Clinton's look while waiting news on Osama Bin Laden, is what helps make this an iconic photo

Hillary Clinton edited out of iconic photo by Hasidic paper

Rich: Why did they edit her out? Because they were afraid they would be breaking a religious law against "titillation" for lack of a better word. Seriously? Hillary Clinton? Can you live any more in fear that you are impure or angering God. These people are nuts.

God: Okay, okay, we get the point already, don't belabor it.

Rich: Well look, rigidity of ANY belief system, organization, or political structure will ultimately lead to its demise. The United States has been held together in part because the Constitution is malleable. Houses are specially constructed in Japan to bend so that the structures might survive earthquakes. Rigidity gives the impression of being long lasting and solid, but these structures break down all at once. Just look at the former Soviet Union as an example.

God: Does this show up politically in Israel?

Rich: The Western Wall is the last in tact remnant of the ancient Jewish Temple, and it is believed to be a place where prayers are more likely to be answered, so you can imagine the importance placed on it by the religious right. Behind it is the Temple Mount, a holy site for Muslims around the world. There is a significant segment of the Israeli right-wing advocating that it would be in Jewish interest to annex the land of the Temple Mount, tear it down, and rebuild the Jewish Temple atop. Of course, the cost of asserting this "biblical/hereditary/mine mine mine right" would be a cataclysmic war, but if you doubt the sincerity of their convictions about this subject, many costly, giant objects, like the minora on display below, have already been created to decorate the rebuilt Temple.

menorah by Western Wall

The Temple Mount Behind the Western Wall

God: So, you are telling us the problem, what's the solution?

Rich: A calming of the human ego and its need for identity. You'll notice most of the times I state, "people practicing the Jewish faith," that is intentional as most people say, "I am Muslim, Jewish, tall, short," and yes, it can be short hand to describe your general beliefs, character, etc. but it it is usually the basis of identity, and that which threatens identity is reacted to by the mind with nearly the same intensity as a life and death situation. All war, terrorist actions, violence, and hatred stem from egoic identity in way or another. When you are in a state of deep love or joy, as I stated before, identity for a moment disappears, and the thought of inflicting pain on someone else becomes alien.

God: So people should just live in joy and love every moment? That's your solution?

Rich: Absolutely ... Let's skip all the politics, every possible solution to the Palestinian/ Israeli problem has already been suggested, and sadly, moderates on both sides are being held hostage by the zealots. A leader is supposed to at least have a glimpse of an ultimate vision. I'm sure some people would say, "stupid, impossible, impractical," etc etc. and it doesn't help that as human beings we are a long long long ways from achieving this, but that sir, is my "Ultimate Solution."

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Seriously, I realize that some of you might have a different perspective about what I have posted. If you do, and you can state in a measured and reasoned voice, I would be interested to hear it. Put it in the comments below/email me/subscribe to the blog.

God asks Rich for Advice on The Holy Land- Israel

God asks Rich for Advice

I recently received a one way ticket to heaven, where I was given a very handsome consulting contract by God Almighty, who wanted my take on what’s going on in the Holy-land. In case you missed the broadcast, here is the transcript.

God: Welcome sons and daughters. I have called this special counsel today, including all the angels in heaven, to listen to one of the world’s pre-eminent minds as well as one of its famous explorers, Rich Birecki. The reason I’ve called him here is that I was shocked to learn that over the last 60 years, there has been a preponderance of murders, war, and general unhappiness created by all the fighting and posturing over the land now called Israel. Since it seems I have been asleep at the proverbial switch, I thought I would bring Rich in here to help me out, and let me know how I could do a better job.

Rich: No problemo God. That’s what I do, I solve problems.  

God:  Of course. So, tell me about your trip to Israel.

Yoni, Zuzka and I having walked across border

Rich: Well, we cross the Jordanian border without incident. Yoni, Zuzka, and I walk over to the Israeli side of the border. Yoni, being Israeli, gets his passport stamped in 24 seconds. For Zuzka, who is Czech, it takes ten minutes. Being an American, my tax dollars keeping the country afloat, I figure entry would be a breeze … more like a hurricane. Fifteen minutes pass. The agent confirms my suspicions that Israel is not exactly partial to entrants with a Syrian stamp and visa in their passport. I guess the countries aren’t exactly “friendly.” They're checking databases going back as far as the Middle Ages, checking if my name shows up in any Pentagon terrorist database, my credit score, outstanding library fines I have from when I was 6. Forty-five minutes later, Yoni goes and speaks with the immigration officer. “Why didn’t you tell me you were traveling with an Israeli when you first got here? This will speed things up a lot,” she tells me.

God: How much longer was it?

Rich: Another forty-five minutes.

God: And if you hadn’t known Yoni?

Rich: A week … Look, I don’t begrudge the Israelis for making it tough for people to enter, there are a lot of crazies that would love to get inside Israel and do harm to innocent people … So from the border, we hiked like a kilometer to the main road in hopes of hitchhiking, which Yoni told me was common and simple in Israel. Well, maybe not so simple when you have three people plus luggage. After a half-hour, I thought it would be easier for us all if I found my own way.

God: So what happened?

Rich: Well, my goal was to get to Eliat, which was only a few kilometers away, so I hailed a passing cab. “Where are you going?” asks the cabbie. “Eliat,” I respond. He rolls up his window without a word and drives off in the opposite direction. So my first impression of Israelis is, “Oh my God, what pricks. I mean, they barely let me into their country, and now this.”

God: Is it fair to judge any country by their cab drivers?

Rich: I might as well just start walking, I head on down the road. I walk maybe a quarter kilometer, and this car pulls over up ahead. It’s an Israeli couple. “What are you doing walking with all that stuff? Get in, get in, we’ll take you to Eliat.” These two were jovial, warm, and kind. Suddenly my opinion reverses course. If everybody’s this warm, who could hold anything against the Israelis.

God: And the final verdict?

Rich: Suffice to say for now that really kind, nice, warm people also exist there. So, they drive me to Eliat and drop me off at the bus station, where, with a little difficulty, I book a ticket to go float on the Dead Sea. The most notable thing I saw while waiting was a female Israeli soldier holding a rifle while eating. I am told that each member of the IDF (Israeli Defense Force) is issued a rifle. Lose it, and you go to jail. Guns are ubiquitous throughout the Middle East, it definitely takes some getting used to. Eventually the bus driver drops me off at the Dead Sea resorts area. Israelis are impatient people, he almost took off before I could get my suitcase out of the luggage compartment which would have been a disaster. I had to pound and yell as he started to move to get him to stop.

God: Why do they call it the Dead Sea?

Rich: Because the concentration of salt in the water allows for no life. In fact, as water sources, like the Jordan River, dry up in the Middle East, this inland body of salt water is deprived of fresh water to replace that which evaporates. The sea is shrinking in size every year; the Dead Sea is dying … So there I am, with my big suitcase and backpack, and I don’t want to take the suitcase to the beach, so I walk into one of the expensive hotels, and I’m figuring out how to sneak my case into the luggage room, when I get approached by a bold 15 year old Israeli who asks me where I come from. Of course, he loves that I’m American and immediately offers me his help. Waving his hand, “Come, let me show you where the luggage room is.” I follow him, and place my suitcase in the unlocked room. Then I remove my fanny pack, not quite sure what to do with it. Sensing this, he inquires, “What do you have in there?” I answer, “Passport, money.”  “Oh no, you don’t leave that here, we Jewish people, we love money very much.”

God: He didn’t!

Rich: Oh he did. Just like that, indicts his whole country.

God: So?

Rich: I took it with me. It was 50/50 he was going to through my suitcase if I left my cash inside. So I go down to Dead Sea and wade in. The water has a slimy, viscous feeling to it; actually for the same reason you don’t want to ingest any of the water, because of ultra-high concentration of salt. I suppose swallowing Dead Sea water is equivalent to swallowing the contents of a tall salt shaker. Not exactly good for you.  On the plus side, you can experience what it’s like to be a cork. You float. It’s quite a paradigm shift because normally you fall back into the ocean, you expect to sink; here, you almost bounce off the water like a basketball on a gym floor.

(check me out floating on the Dead Sea)

God: Did you try skipping a stone on the water?

Rich: My one regret, it would have likely ended up back in Jordan. So, I get out of the Dead Sea, and I start talking with 4 twenty-five year old Israelis, who have fairly recently completed their required service in the Israeli Army. Every single one of them is super cool, very real, and down to earth. It’s a pleasure speaking to them.

God: What did you speak about?

Rich: Life in Israel, which for them basically is pretty chill now that they are done with the army. When they thought it would come to Palestine/Israel, on the notion of peace, Gil, one of the soldiers looked down at the ground  and said, “not in my lifetime.” I asked him why. Though he remained hopeful that his generation was different, he told me there were still too many people on both sides who simply didn’t want peace, the odds of this going up as age of the individual increases. On the whole, they were a very friendly bunch. They even invited me to come to the concert of a famous reggae artist from New York City, who it turns out is an orthodox Jew, and hugely popular in Israel.

God: Did you go?

Rich: Well, my natural inclination when presented with such offers is to say “yes,” and this time was no exception. The complication was there was no way that my suitcase would fit in their car, we tried. I thought about leaving it at the hotel, but they weren’t coming back here, and the concert was supposed to be sold out, so I decided it would be better if I were to head up the road to Jerusalem—

God: So where’s the spice you're so famous for? You haven’t said anything all that controversial.

Rich: Well, let me tell you about Jerusalem. I’m just afraid after hearing what I have to say, the Jews might nail me to the cross ... I'll pause now, so that I might live another couple days ...

Click for Part II of the discussion with God- Israel, the Ultimate Solution