Saturday, October 16, 2010

Going Dutch ALL THE WAY (Why The Netherlands is world's most forward thinking country)

a statue of Rembrandt in Rembrandt square

INT COURTOOM-- Security is tighter than we have ever seen. Flags of over two hundred countries are being waved amongst the large crowd.

Judge: “Order! Order! I will have no more outbursts in this court! The next person to object to the expert testimony of Mr. Birecki will be held in contempt!”
Pleased with his power over his charged courtroom, the judge turned to the prosecuting attorney, “You may proceed—“
Unable to contain himself, Ultra Russian nationalist Peter Voychinsky rose, yelling with utterly misplaced patriotic fervor, “Mother Russia should be considered the greatest in the world; the most advanced; and with the friendliest persons!” He stomped his foot down after each semi-colon, emphasizing his points. The courtroom remained silent, in disbelief of what they just heard. Appearing from thin air, men in white uniforms swooped upon him, pinning Voychinsky to the ground, applying a strait-jacket and dragging away this obviously completely insane man who kept proudly yelling, “Rusko! Rusko! Rusko!” …
With order once again restored, the judge turned to the prosecuting attorney. “You may proceed.”
PA: “So, you contend that Holland, is the most advanced country in the world. Would you care to tell why you would make such a traitorous statement?”
French Defense Attorney: “Objection your honor! This buffoon of an American prosecutor is attempting to intimidate this buffoon of a witness! We aren’t here to establish whether this American is a traitor, we are here to establish that Francia is the world’s most advanced!”
RB: “And that French people are the friendliest.”
Frenchie: “Be quiet you buffoon, you idiotic simpleton American—
RB: “You’re fired Frenchie, I’ll take it from here!”
As Frenchie is dragged out of the courtroom he yells: “Idiot! You American swine! You capitalist pig George Bush voting redneck!"—
RB: “I’ll represent myself your honor. Look, the Netherlands is a really wonderful country, for many reasons.”
PA: “Aha! This case is closed! You were testifying on behalf of Holland!” (PA turns to the audience) “He doesn’t even know what country he is talking about. So much for our ‘Expert witness.’”
RB: “Actually, the Netherlands is more commonly referred to as Holland, and its people are called “The Dutch.”
PA: “And why would such an ‘advanced country’ feel the need to be known by so many different names?”
RB: “probably to confuse the Russians and the French from ever finding them on the map and visiting.”
*A murmur of approval through the audience*
at the tulip market, Amsterdan
RB: “I arrived in Amsterdan and was a little dismayed by the price of a taxi. $55 to drive like 10 miles. When I got to my hotel room, which was like $100, my pet gopher told me he was going to go search for a hallway closet that was bigger.”
PA: “Looking at these pictures of your room, I doubt he found it difficult. It also says in my notes you complained about the shower?”
RB: “A sadist designed the fucking thing. I mean, its floor was curved upwards making it impossible to stand up without leaning against the wall for support. Literally, my body was outstretched, at a 60 degree angle to the ground, at minimum one hand pressed against the wall for support the entire time I was in the shower. I think my gopher had it right.”
Judge: “Do I need to remind you that you are testifying on behalf of the Netherlands?”
RB: “No sir, those were the only things I didn’t like. There was a whole lot more I loved.”
Judge: “Such as?”
one of about ten such bike racks near Central Station
RB: “Well first of all, everyone in Amsterdan bicycles. Everyone. There are many many many more bikes on the road than there are cars. The entire city is like a college campus in that respect. Secondly, public transport there is superb. They have trams that will take you anywhere in the city for like $5, and if you wish to go further, the train system is superb, and inexpensive, at least compared to taxis. I didn’t take another cab ride the entire time I was in Holland.”

PA: “So you found the Dutch to be good environmental stewards?”
RB: “God yes. In addition to the bicycles and awesome public transport system, everywhere you go there are wind farms; big turbines spinning around generating clean electricity, day and night. Plus paper and plastic bags at the store cost a quarter each, giving people incentives to re-use. To top it off, every bottle you buy has a thirty cent deposit fee on it, thus almost everyone recycles."
PA: “Thirty cents?”
RB: “Next time I go to Holland, my baggage will be stuffed with nothing but golden, plastic bottles.”
PA: “How very noble of you. What did you see there that you really liked?”
one of Amsterdan's numerous canals

RB: “My first stop was the Van Gogh museum. I am no art afficianado, and I usually go to museums because it is the thing to do I guess, but Van Gogh is really the only artist who simply blows me away. His artwork is so beautiful, a style of his own, a true pioneer. He paints with such feeling. I kind just stood there, speechless, gazing at his works. Van Gogh might be one of the few artists I have seen who draws beyond form, into depths I have not seen in any other paintings.”
PA: “Are you claiming Van Gogh to be the greatest artist the world has ever seen?”
RB: “Of those I have seen, definitely.”
PA: “What else did you see that impressed you?”
RB: “The Anne Frank house. I actually was surprised by my emotional reaction to the place. When you read and see a first hand account of what took place during the holocaust, and this is little twelve year old girl is hiding in this house with her whole family, eating and moving around like a mouse, in continual fear of being discovered by the Nazis, while most girls her age are outside picking tulips in the spring, hoping to get her first kiss from a boy, it's very easy to identify with her, and understand the terror that she lived every moment for years before someone betrayed the family. Only her father survived the concentration camps. It is a testament both to her father, and the Dutch as people that this house, which was at one time condemned and shortly destined to be torn down, still stands. Much like the Killing Fields of Cambodia, and the slave dungeons of Ghana, this place stands as a testament to how deeply egoic and unconscious mankind can be. It is my hope that as people visit the Anne Frank house, as it might serve as a reminder of the evils man is capable of, not only so that it becomes much less likely that such atrocities will take place again, but so it will help quicken the pace of the individual visitor’s, and thus mankind’s, collective consciousness.”
PA: “You confuse me.”
RB: “Sorry about that, what I mean by consciousness—
PA: “No, did you identify with Anne Frank desire to pick tulips in the fields, or your own first kiss from a boy?”
A long beat.
RB: “You really should visit the Anne Frank House sir.”
*PA walks around the courtroom, trying to get a new angle into his inquisition.*
PA: “What are the Dutch like as people?”
RB: “TALL. I mean, I am not short in America, I am average size. Here I was short. The average height of a young man is like 6’ 2”. You regularly see guys who are 6’ 5” +. I don’t think it says much about their innate athletic that they don’t dominate the basketball courts. My ex-girlfriend was from Europe and 5’ 11,” I thought this was a rarity until I visited Holland, where half the girls stand 5’8” +.”
PA: “Why are they so tall?”
RB: “I point blank asked about five Dutch men this question. ‘How are you guys all so tall?’ No one knew, although the common theory is that they consume a lot of dairy products.”
PA: “It’s steroids, the Dutch all take steroids right?”
RB: “Look, I really don’t know, but I have never felt short before I went to the Netherlands. Furthermore, the girls there, oh my God. I mean, we have some stunners in Los Angeles because the opportunity to get into show business draws them from all corners of the earth like a magnet, but geesus, the majority of girls in Holland were like, ‘Yowser!’ I mean, I was on the train the second to last day, and this blond girl sits down next to me, six foot, supermodel like gorgeous. I start talking with her, tell her how pretty she is, and she doesn’t think she’s anything special in the looks department. She is totally down to earth, and super sweet, and kind. In Los Angeles, where things are more superficially oriented, most girls who look like that have a chip on their shoulder, from their own egoic desire to become famous, to the horrendous treatment of men who treat them like trophies, etc etc. In Holland, this would be the exception. You can go there expecting that since the hotties in LA might be not all be genuine that it would apply here, but it doesn't."
PA: "I bet with all that dairy they were fat."
RB: "God no! I mean, these people are fit. Unlike America, where in the South 35% of people are clinically obese, the number of fatties I saw there was exceptionally low. Americans are so used to ruling the world, I just don't know how the hell it's possible as bad as our education system has become, how grossly obese we are becoming as a society, and all the resources we spend on war. I hate to say it, cause I love America, but we are on the decline."

*The American prosecutor glares in at Rich, unable to hide his animosity towards him for his last statement*
PA: “You think you sound sooooo good Mr. Birecki, claiming the Dutch are down to earth. That they are environmental stewards, and that they are ohhhh so advanced … but what about the drugs Mr. Birecki? What about the rampant drug use through its society. Crackheads and potheads out at all hours of the night dirtying the city. And what you? Hmmmm … did you inhale?”

Tomorrow-- will Rich admit in open court what would cost him the Presidency?

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