Museum Fitness + The Dangers of the Louvre

I lack the endurance necessary to run around museums. I'm simply not fit enough.
True, I am able to run for miles without tiring, but this doesn't help me one iota inside the cavernous art exhibits of Europe. I lack what medical doctors refer to as "Museum Fitness."


So now I'm by the pyramid entrance of The Louvre, gazing from the outside at the planet's most prestigious museum; for art lovers a visit to which is comparable to the the biggest sporting event on the planet, a game they refer to as the "Whatchamacallit" as their memory is solely devoted to the works of Leonardo, Donatello, and Raphael; names which only serve to remind me to pick-up a pizza on the way home.

the pyramid entrance to the Louvre + her courtyard

Standing outside these hallowed halls, I feel like a football player on Superbowl Sunday- it's the biggest game of my life, but for some reason the adrenaline just isn't flowing.
Immediately I start altering my physiology, jumping up and down, doing breathing exercises, envisioning myself paying rapt attention to each piece of historic and stunning art, fully absorbing their meaning and significance.  If I thought I could pass the mandatory doping tests of the AAL (Art Appreciation League) I'd pop some Adderall.

I sprint out of the Louvre locker room out of my mind, totally psyched, pounding my chest as I burst through a red, white, and blue banner held up by security, .
And for the first 20 minutes, I really am absorbing everything, rapt attention, taking in the centuries of cultural heritage, these masterpieces which have survived to enlighten us what life was like back in the Middle Ages- ("harsh.")

magnificent art- the Mona Lisa. A portal to another world

But after a half-hour my attention starts to wane. I need a pep talk from Coach Da Vinci so I go and gaze at one of the greatest paintings ever produced- The Mona Lisa. Her lightly smiling countenance drawing me in as it does millions of art lovers every year. It truly is a magnificent piece and I understand why estimates of its net-worth are 1.5 billion; it also makes me wish i had the artistic talent to counterfeit such masterpieces.
"Mona Lisa, for sale cheap. Check it out. I got Rembrandts too if that's what you want. 99.9% off. I'm practically giving them away- a million dollars a piece."

I head back out into the famed corridors of the Louvre with a bit more steam, and gazing up at photo after photos of Jesus and his Mom (Did he really just call them photos??)  I find my life-force abating.
I start to feel dizzy, almost drunk- what any medical doctor will tell you is a sure sign of "Gallery Syndrome."
Bravely, I discount the bodily signs, waving them off as delusions of the mind. A guard with obviously no medical training sees me swaying and curtly questions if I'm drunk.
"It's just a sprain," I retort.

I see the green-lit human figure- the exit sign, doing my best to ignore the siren song echoing in the hallways. Looking around, everyone else appears to have had their ears plugged with wax.
I take several more steps forward, nodding my head approvingly at this stunning artwork which has withstood the test of time, an attempt to fake myself out into absorbing more of it.
But I'm at my physical limit and now the symptoms can no longer be ignored. I start retching, the first signs of serious onset of the disease. According to medical textbooks I have but twenty minutes before I'm dead.
I race towards the exit, following the pointed direction of the green figures, my only allies in escaping this gorgeous, treasure laden dungeon. A poisoned dart misses me by inches. I speed up my pace, guards yell, "No running!"

My head is spinning as I sprint past the Egyptian exhibit which curiously, according to the Paris Guardian, has recent new additions to its collections- two day old mummified bodies of art patrons who succumbed to Gallery Syndrome.
I slide out of the Louvre and into the fresh air. It takes 15 minutes before I fully regain my senses, as on site medical staff treats other hapless visitors (mostly Americans.)
I'm chided by a nurse for my lack of Museum Fitness. "You really have to develop a stronger regimen," she suggests, handing me stack of art history books.
Borrowing from the playbook of American medicine and college students alike, I ask for a prescription to Adderall instead.
I rise and exit out of the Louvre courtyard, and looking back briefly at my near death experience I have but one thought, "Man, that artwork was tremendously impressive."

selfie I took after exiting the Louvre

The Sights of London- Museums, Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, etc.

I want to give you a flavor of the sights that London offers, which are plentiful. I rate each site on a 1-10 scale, with 10 being an absolute must-see in my subjective mind.

The British Museum

The Rosetta Stone- 

Awesome! The greatest museum I have ever seen, with apologies to the Louvre which I saw as a child. Many many artifacts of ancient civilizations' rest here, from the Egyptian Pharaohs, to the Assyrians, Turks, Persians, and Greeks, the British Museum is the current collective resting place for them all. Compare and contrast these empires of yesteryear.

One of the highlights for me was the Rosetta Stone, from which English linguists were able to decipher the Egyptian Hieroglyphics.

To top it off they have many artifacts from mid-evil Europe to present day, including a collection of time pieces, ancient money, you name it, they have it.  To top it off, entrance is FREE for everyone.

Ancient statue- (actual size)

Must See Scale- 10+

Big Ben and Parliament

Parliament House

Splendid architecture, amazing. You can’t go up Big Ben without the help of a British member of Parliament, I am told, but you can take a tour inside the parliament house.

Big Ben

However, just being able to witness these amazing buildings from the outside is worth the journey, and definitely a must see as long as you are in London.

Must See Scale- 10

Natural History Museum

Fantastic. From dinosaur skeletons to Charles Darwin to gem stones and minerals from around the world, the Natural History Museum is fascinating for all ages. I highly recommend going, and best of all, admission is FREE for all.

The British Natural History Museum- from the outside

Full dinosaur skeleton

Must See Scale: 9.5

check out the T-Rex they brought back to life using Jurassic Park technology

Science Museum

James Watt steam engine propels industry

Should be called the “British” Science Museum as there are large tracts of space devoted to British contrbutions to science, from James Watt, who developed the steam engine, to Alan Turing, who broke the German communication code during World War II and was instrumental in the British prevailing over the Nazis.

Without a doubt I enjoyed it, and it is situated right next to the Natural History Museum and again, admission is FREE.

Must See Scale: 7.5

The War Rooms and Churchill Museum

a poster depicting Churchill

During World War II, Winston Churchill planned and conducted the war against Hitler in top secret offices not far from Buckingham Palace. In them is a history and feel of what it was like to be conduct the planning of the war, including the offices exactly as they were left at the end of the war.

At the end of the tour they have a rather large museum devoted to Churchill, who, even today, is still seen as demi-God in Britain, and it describes his life, numerous triumphs and failures, as well as his policies and outlook.

Cost- 17 GBP (about $26) 

British War office as it was left (including body)

Must see scale- 7  

(I found it super interesting, especially as I was considering writing a script about a WWII spy and I had read about the war rooms, for me it was a must see, however, I understand if the rest of the public might be less inclined to go.)

Westminster Abbey

Tomb of the Unknown soldier in Westminster Abbey

A beautiful medieval church that has become a graveyard of British notables, including kings and queens, various knights of valor, and scientists, including Isaac Newton.

To me it felt slightly macabre being inside, and although it was architecturally fascinating, it didn't match my personal tastes. It’s my opinion your money is better spent elsewhere, but if you enjoy this sort of thing, the interior is quite splendid as well.

Cost- 18 GBP

Must see scale- 4.5

Buckingham Palace

Royal Guard in winter grey- by Buckingham Palace gate

You can only tour the inside from July to October and it will cost you to do so, however, you can still go there and see the changing of the guard, but beware, crowds are extremely heavy to the point that I showed up and quickly left.

monument just outside Buckingham Palace

Must see scale: Incomplete

So, there are some of the main sights of London, a city definitely worth visiting once in your lifetime. However, do yourself a favor and go in the summer, when it might not be cold and foggy.