Saturday, January 3, 2009

Invest In Crocodile Bank- the Crocodile Shows of Thailand

Crocodile Bank

So it’s my second full day in the city. I found a local guide to show me around, or rather, he found me. Everywhere you go in Bangkok, people are trying to sell you something (usually sex) My guide was no different.
“You want to meet nice girl,” he asks, “I show you best.”
“No thanks,” I reply.
“Come on, I show you best girl in city.”
“I want to eat,” I replied, my stomach growling, walking away from him.
“Very nice girl,” he echoes, chasing after me.
“No,” I reply in a deep authoritative tone.
“Why not?” he stupidly asks.
“Because I am hungry,” my tone getting deeper.
“Well let me recommend restaurant.” Finally, he speaks my language.

When you travel around the world, you get to see how lucky we are in America, where most everyone’s basic needs are taken care of. In Thailand, people work extremely hard for very little in an effort to put food on the table.

He waits for me to finish dinner and asks if he can show me around Thailand. he recommends I visit the world’s largest crocodile farm. "Over 100,000 Crocs!!" they advertise. Talk about a come on.

No Swimming without a  lifeguard on duty!
When we got there, the first thing we did was go to the Crocodile Show.
10 hungry man eating monsters up to 14 feet long in an enclosure consisting of shallow water and a small island in the center, where two handlers dragged, by the tail, a couple of the beasts out of the water. Once on dry land, they teased the croc, poking it with a stick. I suppose the purpose was to demonstrate the amount of power of the croc’s jaw, cause when it snapped down on one of the pieces of bamboo, the force of the jaws meeting sounded like a nuclear explosion.

Grabbing a croc by his tail
Then they proceeded to get the croc to open it’s massive jaws. Once opened, the handlers began to pray. Yes, right there, on a tiny man made island, surrounded by the hungry beasties, they put their hands together and broke into prayer.
Apparently they worship the God of Stupidity, because they proceeded to place their hands in the jaws of the croc, pulling them out before the croc chomped down. Tips rained down onto them, thrown by spectators in the coliseum type seating. I was amongst the tippers. Stupidity deserves to be rewarded.
After another, longer prayer, the handlers opened the croc's jaw, and I swear I am NOT making this up, placed their head in the mouth of the croc. I had to wonder who was on drugs, the croc, or the handlers. Probably both.
head in the mouth of a crocodile
To say it was a spectacle is an understatement. Putting your head in the jaws of a massive fourteen foot crocodile! And they did it several times. Needless to say, tips and applause rained down from the stands.
But did Dumb and Dumber take their loot and run. Nooooo, that would require intelligence, and would be considered blasphemy by their aforementioned God. Instead, they decided to bank the money.
In all fairness, it probably is the world’s most secure bank. Also, the dumbest.
They collected all their tips, every last bill, and threw them all into the crocodile’s open jaws. This  "sound investment strategy" is probably why Thai people are so poor.

The world's safest bank! Dumber attempting to withdraw a deposit.
Crocodile Bank- the world’s most secure bank. Sure we pay no interest, and occasionally swallow your deposits. On the plus side, when you come to withdraw, we’ll do our best to relieve you of an arm.

With these thoughts racing through my mind as the show ended, Dumb and Dumber pointed to me (and only me), apparently stupid people are able to recognize their brethren, and asked me if I wanted to have my picture taken with Crocodile Bank.
Getting up close and personal with a man eating monster croc was simply something I could not pass up.
“Yes!” I yelled back to Dumb and Dumber, “YES! Oh God Yes!” I joyfully exclaimed as I, Dumberer, raced down the slick ladder to Croc Island.
I approached the beastie cautiously, wondering whether this was the greatest idea in the world (probably not.) I put my hand down on the tank armor that comprises crocodile skin, and waited vigilantly for my picture to be taken. When I heard the beastie start hissing, I figured it was time to go.
Me and my my crocodile
But you know what they had at the croc farm? My favorite animal in the world- tigers! And baby white tigers too. I decided that it was my sacred duty to pet them. That’s right, white tiger cubs. Jealous? You’re jeeealllouss.

feeding a white tiger cub!

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