|Bamboo- its what's for dinner|
We too were happy, for we were done with that infernal boat ride. And the day got even better, cause next stop --- the zoo!
The zoo met all of me and Drew’s requirements for straight up perfection, a ten out of ten, the best zoo ever.
1) it had tigers we could see up close
I had never seen a Panda in person. Pandas are fascinating animals with three entirely different speed settings.
3) eat while sleeping
In fairness, the zoo’s young cub was more energetic. He had climbed a tree, and faced with the dilemma of finding a supportive branch that would lend to his descent, calling on his entire accumulated knowledge and wits, and this is why you want a panda around to help you next you are faced with a stressful decision, he fell asleep. (on some very shaky branches.)
Why do people spend literally tens of millions of dollars on panda upkeep and procreation, when panda’s themselves, could frankly, care less?
Take a zoologist who places a young male panda, call him Ginseng, into the habitat of a female in heat.
Zoologist: “Go to her Ginseng. Go to her.”
Ginseng: “Man, you aren’t a panda, cause if you were you’d know that is one ugly panda bitch. I wouldn't touch her with an elephant’s dick.”
Zoologist: “Ginseng, the survival of your species depends on you mating with her. Don’t you want insure—
If it weren’t for the Panda Sperm Bank ($5 per ATM withdrawal for non pandas) the species would be done for. So why do humans continually pay $5 ATM fees, that amount to millions a year? Pandas are cute! Looks matter, end of story.
Panda video, stuck in tree!
The Beijing Report
Day #1 (evening)
After our glorious trip to the zoo, we flew to Beijing, where our guide Joy’s first stop for us was Tiananmen Square.
We received a history lesson about the square. It was where Chairman Mao had declared China to be the People’s Republic of China, it’s the largest public square in the world, and still today a place where many important ceremonies are held. Curiously absent from the memorized lecture was the Tiananmen Square massacre of 1989.
For all I knew, pre-internet, the Chinese government might have been able to suppress the information to many of the Chinese people.
“Do you know what happened here in 1989?” I asked.
“What?” I followed up.
“Many students demonstrated here. The government warned them repeatedly. They did not listen, and it was a conspiracy by outside agitators, and so the government had to (she stressed this) do something about it. Many of those who survived fled the country, they are traitors. The government acted rightly and justly.”
|Tiananmen Square- Mao Tse Tung in background photo|
If you think the Bush administration invaded Iraq to give to “install democracy in the Mideast, liberate an oppressed people, and protect us from Al Queda,” rather than oil and doling out giant no bid rebuilding contracts to cronies at Halliburton and Bechtel, then might I suggest getting the Chinese Communist Party "Official Book of Revisionist History" for bedtime reading- it will make you feel all warm and cozy.
If you are an American, you can just listen to Fox News.
My Day in Beijing
I only got to spend one full day in Beijing, and we started early. First we visited the Forbidden City, where Emperor of China lived with the Empress, his 3,000 concubines, and his eunuchs. It is rather difficult to discuss what exactly eunuchs are, but I’ll just say that while they are technically men, the Emperor was the only breeding male in the city. The joke here would normally be- “It’s good to be King,” but I’m still a little upset about the eunuchs.
|The Forbidden City|
|Sir Andrew Stern and me, last day in China for me|
Don’t trust the Chinese. Remember I told you about the law, “Turismo Jackola,” it is even worse here in Beijing. I mean, I started talking with an early twenties female merchant about a belt. She showed me how to distinguish between real and fake leather (pass a flame over it for several seconds and see if melts or curls) I asked her questions about China, about entrepreneurship here, I told her she was pretty, then I asked her how much for the belt.
“Because I like you, because you are handsome, and because I want to make a sale,” she replied, “$300 for the belt.” Tourismo Jackola. Have fun in China ye hardy souls! And if you are on the streets of Beijing, feel free to try the centipede!
|Centipede- mmm scrumptious!|