Thursday, October 21, 2010

In Search of the Greatest Museum

In Search The Greatest Museum  (a silly entry by Me)

Giant Church in Vienna- the sky is the limit
A little bit about Vienna, Austria before I get to the real reason I was there.
#1-- It costs half a Euro to go into just about any bathroom. Sadly, there are few trees in the city, so this cost is often a necessity.
#2-- People don’t usually drink bottled water, they drink straight from the tap and refill their bottles from fountains in the park. They need to save money to pay for bathroom expenses.
#3—It is more expensive than the United States. A cheap hotel is like $80 or so and food also costs.
That’s a little back-ground. You can see a little bit of the city from the photos I took and labeled, now let’s take a look at the real reason that I was there!
There is only one thing I am interested here in Austria, to pay homage to the deity who I worship second only to JC himself … (and by JC I of course mean his Holiness- Jim Carrey) … and Austria’s greatest citizen of all time was of course, the governator of California, Arnold himself. Yes, I am polytheistic. So sue me.
Much as Muslims pray towards Mecca, I also pray five times daily, facing North East to Ontario, Canada, the birthplace of JC, but it is not coincidental that the birthplace of the great Arnold lies in the same direction.
“Where is the Schwarzenegger Museum?” I inquire, using my Arnold accent that I am certain will instantly endear me to all of Vienna.
“The what?” comes the reply from the diminutive fifty-year old man wearing bi-focals. Surely he has misheard me.
“Where is the Arnold Schwarzenegger museum?” I repeat, slightly less calmly.
“We do not have a Schwarzenegger museum,” he responds, a bewildered look on his face.
a view from the Danube Islands
“Hah Hah Hah,” I laugh deeply, “You joke.”
“Why we would we have a museum dedicated to Arnold Schwarzenegger?!”
“Because he is the greatest Austrian in history and must surely have a place of worship in his home country!” I retort with far less patience for this imbecile.
“This man is an actor. He is not worthy of a museum dedicated solely to him.”
I start to shake, “One day you will learn the true meaning of religion!” I retort, barely contain my anger from a volcanic explosion.
the park in Vienna. Lush, and impeccably kept
Viennese park
He steps backwards, not breaking eye contact, finally a “safe” ten feet away, he turns and scurries away.
Undaunted, I ask the next passerby, then another, then another. The exchanges pretty much began and ended the same way, though one lady thought, incorrectly, that I was joking.
After five such exchanges I come to the conclusion that Austria is comprised of nothing but infidels. If only they knew. If only they knew the truth; that if Arnold was around back in the 1930’s Austria he would have exposed Adolf for the little girly-man he truly was. He would have crushed Hitler like cheap china underneath a freight train. He would have smashed Adolf into a million little pieces and spread them to the outer realms of the Universe … but then again, admittedly, Arnold is no JC.
If Jim Carrey were in charge we’d already have world peace.

Johan Strauss
PS—In the last few days, my dear friend, Sandro Monetti informed that the first Hitler Museum was opened in Germany. If someone can open a museum, dedicated to this evil, then counter balance this weight on the world, the Austrians MUST open an Arnold museum … Or better yet, Canada can open a Jim Carrey Museum. I call curator!

(Oh suuurreeee ... dedicate a statue to Johan Strauss. Waaaayyy more people have heard of Arnold. Way to go Austria!)


  1. Finally there is one Arnold Schwarzenegger Museum in Austria, but not in Vienna.


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